Some Messy Behind the Gram..

It’s been a hot minute since I’ve actually sat down to put together a blog! If you don’t know what the term “hot minute” means, I heard it on a show recently and just looked it up on urban dictionary to check if I used if correctly and it means a while, so it makes sense and I feel trendy.. anyway for those that follow my life on social media you’ll know that since my last blog we welcomed another sweet girl to our family in December. Everyone always asks me if she is “a good baby” and.. she is! Our oldest daughter was a bit tougher, a little more emotional and she was my first so unfortunately a Guinea Pig. Madison is much more relaxed and at 3.5 months she has never cried more than 7 minutes at a time. She has been smiling at me for a month already and my heart just warms a million degrees every time, which I need.

To say that life has been challenging lately is an understatement. It’s been hard and emotional and the most stress I’ve ever felt in my entire life. But todays blog isn’t about that, trust me I’ll be open and honest about that very soon. Instead todays blog is about another aspect of parenting. The messy side of things, literally.

Todays going to be light hearted .. and gross… but maybe it’ll make you laugh!

Rob works 14&7 and the 14 days are typically easy going until about day 11.. that’s when I start to crack a bit, fuse is a bit shorter, tempers rise quicker. This last time we didn’t make a day 11 though because Rob and I were hit by covid and he was home longer than normal the shift before. So when he came home this time, things were looking good! It was only day 9, very few things have irritated me at this point so I had high hopes!

He arrives home at 7 and we get to spend time with Mackenzie before putting her to bed around 8:00. After doing my bedtime routine with her, solo for a change without her sister on my arm, I return to our bedroom where Rob hands me back the baby. We have a beautiful rocking chair in our bedroom that I use every day and I was sitting in it with little Madison on my lap. Rob and I were chatting and catching up on the gossip when suddenly I felt (and heard) Madison let out a big push! She was tooting all day but this was clearly a poop noise and not a toot (Fun Fact about me, I don’t say the “f word”, we say toot in this house). Within seconds I felt something warm on my leg and my mind panicked! There’s no way.. am I imagining this?? I can’t remain calm even if I tried. I started yelling “she pooped on me!!” and I was paralyzed! Now a Fun Fact about Rob.. My dear husband doesnt react quick, ever. In an emergency he freezes. There’s no fight or flight response with him when I need it. I am telling him I’ve been pooped on and this man was not getting up fast enough, what is wrong with him ?! I instruct him to get me something to clean it up before I even looked down to see the damage, I just knew something happened and I’ve never experienced it before.. seriously I’ve been a parent for six years and I’ve never been pooped on! Well.. by the time he returns to me and I practically throw the child at him.. so much has happened. Her poop took the path of least resistance and shot straight up the back of her diaper and out. It landed on my jeans AND my beautiful Ashley Furniture extra large rocking chair. Not a drop landed on her clothing.. How does that even happen?? Rob took her to change the bum and I frantically changed and got to dealing with the chair, even calling mom on FaceTime to walk me through my emotions!

12 hours later the messy pooper and I were enjoying some morning cuddles on the couch (couldn’t sit on my chair as it was still going through it’s cleaning process…ugh) and she was snuggling into my arm. Then as babies do.. she throws up all over me. Next thing she does, sneezes right into it spreading it all over me and bounces her face right into it due to the impact. Both her and I were just a mess and neither of us happy. Hubs was at the gym enjoying life!

That evening Mackenzie convinced me to have a bath with her. I am not a bath person and absolutely like them even less if I have to share the space with someone, but because it’s hard to get to spend alone time with Mackenzie I couldn’t argue with her when she told me daddy could watch the baby. So we got in the bath and after some time I put on the jets and started playing a game where we were “sliding” with the water pressure. She was laughing so much as I was going “weeeeeee” that she suddenly ended up going under the water a bit and swallowed some. Next thing I know she’s coughing up the water.. and then… she starts throwing up. Here I am in the stupid bath where I don’t want to be while my daughter throws up in the water. I bail, SO fast, turn the jets off and grab a towel. She starts to get scared and tries to climb out while she’s still throwing up! No! You stay in there!! I start running the water for the shower (fortunately they are separate so it was an uncontaminated haven) and then look at Rob. Him and Madison are sitting on my freshly washed rocking chair while he has his phone in one hand. He didn’t even flinch to help during this! Remember how I told you he freezes in an emergency? He was practically dead in this instance, not a concern in the world that we were bathing in chunky vomit. I had to reach my hand into that disgusting water to pull the drain, clean the bathtub, get us both showered off, all while he watched videos on his phone 10 feet away! In less than 23 hours of him being home I’ve been pooped on once and puked on twice!

But then.. his luck ran out.. maybe it was karma?

A couple days later we went on a road trip to see my girlfriend and we stopped for lunch along the way. We had been in the car for three hours and both girls were doing great but was definitely time for a break. This was Madison’s first time in a restaurant and my first time going to one in months due to covid restrictions, exciting! We chose Denny’s! I was sitting with Mackenzie trying to remind her of being a normal human in public places and Rob had Madison sweetly next to him in her bucket seat in a darling outfit I chose for her first impression with our friends! Before the food arrived we decided to give her a break and let her stretch out but as Rob grabs her out, his hand lands on her bum and hits a wet spot which is later to be discovered was poop that leaked right out! Rob doesn’t handle bodily functions at all, so his hand in poop didn’t sit well with him! Fortunately he agreed to deal with the damage rather than hand her to me to fix! Maybe he was giving me a break after my trauma the last couple days.

A few hours later we end up at our friends with our two girls and dog. Robs keeping a close eye on the dog to ensure he’s being well behaved and that I don’t let him out the front door to go live on the farm. We weren’t there long before he throws up.. car sickness perhaps or was it from eating the stuffing out of his bed the day before as the green fluffy evidence is right there in the pile of vomit? Who knows.. Rob is quick to clean it up though! Where was this speedy action when your wife was being tainted ??

Oddly enough a few minutes later Mackenzie has a bathroom accident. What. The. Fuck. Why is our family so high maintenance this week?

The next day Barney won’t eat and again throws up, after also needing to go outside at 4am. Again… his daddy gets up straight away, even with the early morning bathroom run at the hotel from the second floor! Moved quicker for that that he did to help me after I was pooped on! Are we starting to see a weird pattern here?

Our little travel set up is as follows, Madison and Barney on the ends of the backseat and Mackenzie in the middle. Barney is tied up with his leash allowing him to lay on the seat or the floor. We left the hotel and were about an hour from home and suddenly he gets anxious! Breathing sweet nothings into Robs ear, pushing on Mackenzies feet, trying to snuggle with me, etc. go away Barney! Rob thinks he’s just getting bored after being in the car for so long. Then I look and he’s pulling on his leash so much he’s pushing up against Madison’s car seat on the far side looking like he’s going to get right on her! Stop! With some curse words flying we pull over so the leash can get adjusted and he’ll smarten up.. well a few minutes later and I look back and he’s anxious again. We try opening the window to help and it does for a short moment.. until I look and see Barney is looking out the back window.. and is pooping on the seat!! I can’t even recall exactly what I said to Rob but this was his quickest reaction of the week! He whipped that truck right over at such speed that Barney actually fell off balance and landed in his poop! What a mess! As soon as he got out of the vehicle and on to the snow his body just let loose and things happened out of both ends. The poor dog just couldn’t handle the car ride, or maybe his stuffing meal after eating up his one year old bed suddenly.. but something didn’t sit right with him. Now you’d think I would be horrified or disgusted but honestly.. I laughed.. I took pictures.. I explained to Mackenzie why there was poop on the seat beside her. I handed daddy some baby wipes to clean up the mess which fortunately was on a doggy seat cover and not on his cloth seats, which was a silver lining because other wise we may have been at a dealer getting a new truck that same day. A few minutes later we were back on the road and Rob was complaining his hands smelled like poop covered with baby wipe smell which was apparently less desirable than straight poop! Hahaha. Regardless of this being a weird ending to a trip and it being a bizarre four days of gross.. this episode was the best payback after my first 23 hours!

If you made it through this blog, thank you, it’s not my normal style, but maybe you can relate to some! Even if you can’t I hope some of it lightened your mood today while you went through. My Instagram tends to show the smiles throughout our day but never the yucky parts so this blog was meant to share a bit about the life behind the gram!

And if my husband is reading this.. I hope you try harder to move a little quicker next time 😉