This week we announced that we are relocating and many people, including myself, are surprised, so I thought I would share a bit of history of how we got here!
For those that aren’t aware, Monday I shared a picture of a uhaul in front of our house stating we are starting a new chapter. It seems sudden, because it is! Less than two months ago Rob asked me if I would consider moving to BC where he has been working since 2019. For the last few years, he’s been flying in and out, being away anywhere from 2-6 weeks at a time. When he comes home, he’s only here 7 days, 6 if you minus the travel time. That week flies by and while it’s great to be together, it comes with a lot of challenges. We don’t parent the same, we don’t have the same routines, we don’t even have the same interests in shows. It takes us a couple days to get in a groove. He’s naturally tired from 14 days of work but I’m naturally tired from 14 days of working plus parenting kids and animals by myself. It takes time for us to just mesh and then when we do, it’s time for him to go again.
Being on my own isn’t like it used to be. Long distance has been our thing. Ten years ago we started dating and two months in I got a call to go to Toronto and I told him I’m going and he has the choice to stay with me or not. Obviously, he chose to stay! Since then we have done this distance thing about 85% of the last decade, only having two stints of being together on jobs. With just Mackenzie to take care of, I managed fine, but 2021 started to get tough. This is a long read so I hope your comfy! I’ll try to break it down into a timeline.
September:
As some of you read in previous blogs, I was so scared for my girl to go to kindergarten. I was worried about how she would be treated by other kids. I was worried about how she would feel. I was just worried about a lot of things. I shared in September’s blog how the first week was going, spoiler alert, it didn’t get any better. Every interaction with the teacher for the first couple weeks was telling me something Mackenzie was behind in, something she lacked, something she was struggling with etc. It was so hard not to take it personally and feel like a failure, should I have pushed her harder? Should I have removed her from her day home sooner and put her in preschool? Did I do something wrong by helping her too much with her clothes or shoes? But some of the things I was told didn’t make sense. The school told me she had weak fine motor skills so they would give her a slanted board to write, I didn’t need to do that at home. They said she can’t follow 2-3 step directions, therefore talk to her in small sentences (“book out”, like talking to a caveman), I didn’t need to do that at home. I didn’t understand why she was struggling there but I wasn’t seeing it at home.
Weekly the teacher would send emails with a picture attached of the kids and week after week our daughter was sitting off to the side of the group. Everyone would be on the big mat, but Mackenzie would be on her own mat or on a chair. After a few weeks Rob emailed the teacher and asked what it was all about, we learned Mackenzie has troubles keeping still and keeping her hands to herself so this spot allows her to understand her space. I cried and cried, it was so sad to see her on her own and wonder if she notices.
October:
Early October Mackenzie came home to tell me a boy on the bus called her “a fuck”. Pardon? After speaking with her bus driver, we figured out he was a grade 1 boy. Classy.
We had our parent teacher interviews and I expressed to the teacher that the pictures in her emails look like Mackenzie is being excluded from the group and doesn’t feel good as a parent. She apologized and said she never thought about that and reassured me Mackenzie would be a part of the group pictures going forward. We then heard how much work Mackenzie is for the staff. She is easily distracted, becoming defiant and rude, needs a lot of extra attention, only knows three letters of the alphabet, etc. again, all things we don’t see at home. I explained we do schoolwork together regularly and she knew over half of the alphabet so I didn’t understand how she is only showing three letters there. Our 10 minute block of time extended to 25 minutes and the only good thing we were told is “Mackenzie is a good friend to her classmates”. We asked if there were other kids struggling and were told “yes but Mackenzie takes up the majority of our time”. We got off that call and I went to my room and cried for an hour. I should remind everyone I was in my third trimester during all this so a bit of added stress and hormones.
A couple weeks later was the day of their Halloween party. I picked my Cinderella up from the bus stop and immediately got a phone call when I walked in the door. Her teacher wanted me to know that Mackenzie didn’t get a library book because of her behaviour, it was a “natural consequence” and then she got sent to the principals office. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry, she’s 5, the principal’s office?? I asked Mackenzie and it was very clear she wasn’t aware that the principal’s office wasn’t ideal and should be seen as a punishment. Hard to feel punished when it’s a Halloween party and you and your friends are dressed up.
November:
Over the next month we continued to get emails, sometimes at 10pm, about Mackenzies behaviour, information about more principal visits, more defiance, etc. Our daughter was completely different than what we knew. I was checking in with day care and asking if they were having similar issues and they weren’t. They had some normal issues for her age but nothing they couldn’t control. I started thinking she wasn’t ready for kindergarten, she’s not smart enough to be there, she doesn’t understand what school is. I contemplated taking her out since kindergarten isn’t required in Alberta to go to grade 1. I really started to see my girl differently because of the messages I was receiving.
End of November we got a call from the speech therapist who was filling in. She was “sorry” to tell me that Mackenzie was in the 0.01 percentile for receptive and expressive speech, so the bottom of the barrel. My questions were along the lines of: What does that mean?? Did she even talk to you? She never stops talking?! The lady admits that Mackenzie didn’t say much to her. Well how can you assess her then.. she doesn’t know you, she’s shy (inside thoughts will now be in italics lol). I was informed this therapist was just filling in for the main person who was on leave and they wouldn’t start working with Mackenzie until January sometime if the woman returned. This wasn’t very reassuring considering they just told me the news like they were telling me my dog was dying. She told me three times she was sorry and she knows it was hard to hear. I just rolled my eyes,this isn’t hard to hear, it’s wrong. 100% she was delayed with language, this we know, she didn’t start full sentences until after she turned 5, but she is not severely delayed like they were stating.
Meanwhile I had a friend who was volunteering in the class periodically who would give me updates on Mackenzie that day. She reassured me she was behaving, was nice, there were kids in there way worse than her. It would always have me feeling so much better about things and feel we were making progress, but then another update would come from the school telling me otherwise.
My anxiety was getting so high. I was checking my email periodically in the middle of the night on school days to see if anything came through because the teacher emailed late. I had my phone nearby to see if there was a call coming after the school day ended. I was losing sleep. I was crying every time I thought of her there. Daycare days were fine, school days felt like a weight on my heart.
We also started getting assignments sent home with “1:1 assistance required” written on them. That makes a mom feel good every time, especially when I can see she wasn’t trying or did a poor job. Mackenzie would trace and try letters at home, try to write her name, but at school she would barely write one letter. She just wasn’t applying herself there and I really didn’t want the daily reminder that Mackenzie needed their extra help.
The teacher suggested to me one day that I mention to our pediatrician about Mackenzie’s behaviour, her distractions, her defiance, her struggles with transitioning between activities, basically a lot of qualities for ADHD but being a teacher, she can’t actually say that. To satisfy her, I did and our doctor shrugged it off, said If she’s not acting out at daycare or home, it’s an adjustment, reminding me she is 5 and will get used to it.
Around this time another friend volunteered in class and told me what she witnessed. Mackenzie had a meltdown and was lying on the floor of the hallway crying until she eventually got taken to the office. My friend was very transparent about what she saw so I had an unbiased idea and now concern was settling in. Mackenzie has never laid on the floor and cried here, even as a toddler. I couldn’t understand what would get her to that meltdown point.
One night after another late-night email about Mackenzie going to the office, I got pissed off and we emailed the principal and asked for a call. From there we learned Mackenzie goes there to “calm down” if the teachers are unable to calm her with their normal tricks. The principal was very kind and expressed she likes that the kids are comfortable going there and that Mackenzie comes and colors, talks about Barney, relaxes. It became very clear that this is a safe and desirable place for her to go, naturally she would rather be there for 1:1 attention versus in a classroom of 29 kids. Who wouldn’t? During our call I said I want to work together so we can set Mackenzie up for success because she is clearly struggling. We decided to do a MS teams call in December where we can talk as a group on how we can best support Mackenzie and prepare her for grade 1. It was booked for the following month and gave us some reassurance that we will get Mackenzie what she needs.
December:
Rob and I settle on the video call with 1 week old Madison and wait for our meeting. We expect the principal, teacher, and speech therapist. Imagine our surprise to also have the vice principal, the school counselor and a behaviour specialist. What the fuck?After the round table of faces I’ve never seen, the behaviour specialist starts us off by asking what I’m doing to help Mackenzie outside of the home. I can’t even imagine what my face portrayed, I was so confused. I wanted this call because she seems to be behind in academics and secretly I am feeling there is a personality clash going on between her and the teachers, and now I’m meeting all these new people and being questioned what I am doing? I comment that I don’t know what this is all about, that I talked to our doctor who wasn’t concern, that I had a hearing appointment booked to see if that was a cause of her speech issues, but that was it. We then learn that “Mackenzie has biiiiiiig feelings for a little girl” and apparently she can’t control or regulate herself when she gets upset which causes meltdowns that they struggle to help her through. A lot of anger. What?? (Now I’m sure any of you reading this that know her are confused because every friend I’ve told are floored when I say Mackenzie has anger issues). I asked what they want me to do, if they wanted me to take her to therapy. That’s when the counsellor finally contributes to the convo to suggest a youth outreach worker who can help her with her self-regulating and friendship skills. Then why haven’t you called her yet? Then they decided amongst themselves they will be sending a letter home for us to take to our doctor to show what a “day in the life is like with Mackenzie” Great way to put it. I admitted that in the last couple months we have noticed some attitude changes, I shared she doesn’t seem happy when she comes home from school and is often sad and telling me people don’t like her, which is hard to hear as her parent. Finally, our teacher piped up because she said her mama bear heart strings were pulling and wanted to reassure me that the kids are nice to Mackenzie and no one is being mean to her. That was good to hear although I’m not sure if she would tell me otherwise. Then the behaviour specialist pops in and said when Mackenzie is having her big emotional outbursts it will make the other kids not want to spend time with her. My heart just broke, she’s 5 and trying to figure out her own feelings, her routine, her relationships, her academics, and now may be pushing away friendships because she gets upset at school. It just seems like everything was so difficult for her.
I contacted the youth worker that week and explained our situation to the intake worker, who asked how I felt about the teacher. I shared my not-so-great experiences like how day 1 my daughter was the last one to come meet the parents because she couldn’t get her shoes on herself and I was told she needs to work on her independent skills, how every interaction in the next two weeks I asked how her emotions were that day and I would be told another thing she is lacking in, (all of this was in previous blogs), that the only good thing we were told in four months is she is “a good friend”. The teacher seemed kind, Mackenzie likes her, but her updates were blunt and she offered no reassurance to a worrying mom. The intake worker immediately felt we had an issue with the school and promised to pass our case over to the youth worker. The youth worker got in touch with me and I shared the story of our ambush of a teams call and she told me we aren’t the first parents who have been through that lately. She was also confused as she is usually called in if the school can’t handle the child and has been clear with the schools she doesn’t work with kindergarten because they are too young to really grasp the techniques she could teach. I felt bad for even wasting her time but she reassured me it was ok and she was going to make an exception and meet with Mackenzie in the new year.
Over the next few weeks I went crazy. I took her for a hearing test, perfect hearing and the audiologist questioned why I even came in and I shared with her our speech assessment results. She assured me there’s no issues with hearing. I got her eyes checked because the teacher told me twice Mackenzie was “clumsy”, so we got her yearly checkup bumped up and prescription changed. I requested that an occupational therapist meet with Mackenzie to see if there is anything they could see because both my friend and our day care teacher shared experiences with OTs helping with core issues which helped with falling over and touching people. I talked to a holistic coach and did a food intolerance test to see if there was a diet issue I could figure out. I researched ADHD and what I could do at home to help her, techniques, diet changes, tips, triggers. I did everything I could to just figure out how to ‘fix’ her.
January:
First day back after break we received our double-sided letter for the doctor. 19 points of issues with Mackenzie, several repeating the same thing in different words, we get it, she’s easily distracted. On the back side was 12 great things they are doing to support her, a visual schedule (provided to all students), an educational assistant (who was there from day one), an occupational therapist (hadn’t received a consent form yet), a speech therapist (hadn’t met with Mackenzie yet), the letter very much screamed here is this difficult kid that we are trying super hard to help. I picked Mackenzie up from the bus and told her she was going to the doctor. It’s like I watched it all in slow motion, her whole body slumped over and she said no and started to whine, she just looked defeated. Could I blame her? I’ve been dragging her from one appointment to another to try to figure out what’s wrong and make her teachers lives easier. I told her this was just to talk and nothing else, but I felt terrible, I just wanted to cancel the doctor appointment but I felt I needed to check yet another thing off. While on the ride there Mackenzie told me for probably the tenth time this year that the “mean boy on the bus” keeps calling her the f-word. Out of frustration I told her to tell the driver because I can’t do anything for her. Honestly, I didn’t know if she was telling me the truth. She has a killer long-term memory and a shitty short term so I thought maybe she was thinking back to September. I remember pulling into the parking lot and still explaining to her she needs to tell someone if people are being mean because I am not there. That’s how we left things and off we went to hand over this letter to the doctor. He reviewed and laughed saying it looks like a textbook was open to ADHD! There was no direction on the letter what they wanted from him, no follow up asked, just a letter signed by the school and not even a specific person. He kept laughing and just asked what they want from him and I admitted I didn’t know. I mentioned that the services they said they are providing her haven’t actually started but should be soon so he said he wants reports from them in 3 months to see if there is progress. Off we went.
That night I sent the principal and teacher a long email explaining everything that I’ve done since our call a month ago, including what the doctor said. In that email I shared Mackenzie is still coming home sad and her self-esteem was being affected which concerned me at her age. Finally, I asked for an update of what they’ve been doing on their end. I was feeling like I am doing a lot of the work here when it was supposed to be a team effort. The next day the principal calls me to discuss and provide updates, basically things were going to start happening soon but mostly sounded like she wanted to reassure me no one is being mean to Mackenzie.
My girlfriend who witnessed the floor meltdown volunteered at school again and brought Mackenzie home that day. She quickly and excitedly told me that Mackenzie was much better than last time, nothing like before, and told me to look up attention seeking behaviours. She is a strong mama of three kids, her one son is an energy seeker and her middle is an attention seeker. She said once I read up on that I might see that’s what Mackenzie is, she likes the 1:1, affectionate attention. My gf has experience in the ADHD world and I clearly remember her saying “Mackenzie does not have ADHD” and that coming from her was the most uplifting thing I’ve heard in months. I believed her with all my heart. She was so honest with me about the first experience that I completely trusted her opinions. I should also point out this girl has been by my side since day one of this journey, sharing her similar experience the year before and the success stories, giving advice on what I need from the school since she had been through it already, she was and still is one of my guiding lights (unfortunately for her sometimes lol). I looked up attention seeking immediately and started applying some tips.
When school started back in January, my 11 hour straight sleeper just stopped sleeping. She was in our room 1-5 times a night wide awake. She just would not sleep. I tried moving her furniture, lavender spray, new sheets, saging her room, a sleep training clock, weighted blanket, bribery, taking her back quietly, taking her back angry, melatonin, even locking her door. She would fall asleep fast at bed time but she wouldn’t stay asleep and then wanted to be with me and more often than not were screams and cries once she was overtired. I was exhausted and dreaded sending her to school knowing she would be tired and irritable, some days I would let her stay home because I just didn’t want another email or a call about my daughter. On top of all the emotions and stress on my shoulders, I now had lack of sleep.
February:
The school kept encouraging us to join the classroom if we could so Rob happened to be home for a Fun Friday and they squeezed him in. He came home and said all the kids were getting in trouble, not just Mackenzie, all her friends she talks about too. It provided me with some relief, yet I was annoyed and wondered if other parents were getting 10pm emails or after school calls.
Our youth worker contacted me one day to tell me she’s met with Mackenzie, who is adorable, but she admits that she thinks they “jumped the gun” on this. As she mentioned to me before, she doesn’t work with that age group because they are still developing and too young to take what she teaches them in a small room and apply it to a group setting when they are upset. She shared with me what they worked on and her observations, good and bad. I really appreciated her for all her time, not being in the school she was the best resource we had because she was objective. She was also able to give the teachers some tips but that was about as far as it could go until Mackenzie was older.
Then a couple weeks after my girlfriend’s great update and the attention seeking discovery, our kids came home from school and Mackenzie mentions to me the mean boy told her he’s going to kill her. What?? I mentioned to my friend and she did some detective work herself with her son, he’s Mackenzie’s best friend and they sit together on the bus. Over the next week stories matched up and updates were being given, the grade one boy is telling Mackenzie he’s going to kill her, her baby sister (I bring Madison to the bus stop with me) and her whole family. Umm. You’re worried about my kids anger issues?? I think the school has some bigger fish to fry. I try to get the kids name from the bus driver since we had previously discussed the f word but for privacy reasons, he couldn’t provide to me but said he could give to the principal if she called. I called immediately and told her I realize now why Mackenzie is coming home upset and explained the whole story, telling her I don’t know the boys name but is in grade 1 and the driver would provide if she called and she told me she would be looking into it.
The next week Rob was home and Mackenzie told us she had a bad day at school. Rob curiously emailed the teacher to confirm (I stopped emailing her at this point, I would just deal with receptionist now if I needed to mention an absence because I was scared it would open the door to more critique) and she responded saying she would have called us but was in parent teacher interviews that evening but yes Mackenzie did have a bad day; was defiant, their normal techniques wouldn’t calm her down, she was hurting others and that we could discuss on our upcoming parent teacher interview. We were lined up for two days later and I talked to my friend about her interview and found out that her son also had a bad day and on her call she found out all the kids struggled, it was the first day without masks and they just came back from a long break. Interesting! We got on our call and while there were some improvements in her letter recognition, she was still defiant and rude. We heard more about her bad day and where I was expecting Mackenzie was hurting people by punching them, no, she was flopping on the mat and would accidentally hit someone with her shoe, or she would be running and unaware of her space and almost hit a wall, not at all what I expected from the email. Also guess what, I didn’t hear about any other kids bad day, just mine.
What was shocking and hard to hear a couple months earlier now just made me shrug my shoulders. I can’t blame Mackenzie at this point for her behaviour. She’s been put through so much and really, if defiance and rude gets her attention, why not? My heart and head just couldn’t take it anymore. I immediately dropped the homework that day and haven’t done it since. I just stopped pushing. This is kindergarten! I remember playing in kindergarten, not knowing how to write and read, the girl has a ten letter name, man!
March:
A few weeks passed and the kids are upset again coming off the bus, more talk of killing, what?? I emailed the principal to ask if this kid has been dealt with and she said she’s playing phone tag with student transportation.For three weeks? I immediately sent her the bus drivers number and told her I will be driving Mackenzie until it’s dealt with. The next day she tells me she met with my daughter to discuss and that the boy that sits next to her didn’t call her a name.. The boy that sits next to her is her friend who has been confirming her story!!!! Anyway.. she was going to find out who it was. Well sure enough, good news, she found out the boy was in grade 1 and from their school. Yes… I told you that… three weeks ago.. I was so frustrated, I feel bullying and death threats should be near the top of the priority list these days, no? That shouldn’t take a parents follow up. Thank goodness Mackenzie doesn’t really understand that the word kill means.
I was so over it. It was six months of pure awfulness. I was working Mackenzie’s ass off every night with homework to try to get her caught up, I was working her ass off mentally trying to get her behaviour in line, I was changing my parenting style this way and that, trying to be stricter, I would fight with Rob because we would disagree about approaches. And then I would cry and feel so awful, she just turned six and I’m pushing her so hard because of all the pressure I was feeling from the school. I didn’t want her to be behind, I didn’t want her to be a problem, I wanted her to be treated fairly and be a kid. I was tired of feeling like a strict mom and was so scared that she was going to grow up and remember me as being mean. I thought Mackenzie needed time to adjust to school but it was just getting worse.
I guess I should remind everyone that I still had other things going on during all this. I had a new baby in December and was on maternity leave. I was also working behind the scenes and helping at my job. Then there was the stress of animals that needed to be fed, let out, watched all the time. Our dog is still in the puppy stage where everything goes into his mouth once it touches the floor, so at least three times a day you’re ripping kids toys out of its jaw. My life was this never-ending cycle of Madison, to Mackenzie, to Barney, to Luci meowing for a treat, back to Barney, back to Mackenzie, repeat. Believe it or not but the newborn was and still is the least maintenance of them all.
Typically, when Rob went back to work, the first week flew by. But day 11 always breaks me, the second Sunday of his shift. I fall apart, I’m exhausted, I’m frustrated, I snap. Mackenzie still isn’t sleeping through the night. My parents are already needing a break from me after I smother them for over a week. The dog is just way more work than I imagined, and I resent him and Rob. It’s just so much to juggle, especially with all the emotional drain from the school.
We tried for years to find Rob a job at home. He’s applied. He’s interviewed. Nothing happens. I knew in my heart he didn’t want to leave his work, but he was willing to do it for me and I needed that. But it wasn’t happening, and I honestly didn’t know how I could handle it anymore. My mental health was at a low, I told him I wanted to disappear, I wanted him to sell the dog, after years of doing it myself I just didn’t have it in me anymore.
So during all of the above, one day in February he asked me my thoughts on moving to BC and him doing a 6&1 shift. We would have a house rented for us, he would be home every night, could help with kids, would be better for the dog, more money, and the best part is it is only temporary for a year. I didn’t know how to feel, we have only been in our house two years, I have the best sunroom, I am glued to my parents, I don’t want to leave but at the same time, I needed out. I immediately called mom and asked her opinion, expecting a no. Instead, she thought about it for a moment and said she thinks I should do it. She told me I have been doing it all for so long and it would be good for both myself and him to be together as a family full time. I knew she was right. Rob and his boss started the paperwork process for the move and if it got approved, we would go in the summer, it was a 50/50 chance.
Once our little psychos death threats started, I told Robs boss if the change gets approved, I don’t need to wait until the summer, I just wanted us away from this school.
Mid-March we found out it’s been approved and there’s a house available for our family as early as the first week in April. Holy moly. We weren’t expecting it that quick. I still was thinking they may not approve us. Now I had to talk to my work and see if they approve me working from the new location, get Mackenzie into another school, figure out all these other details like moving our stuff, it’s all been a whirlwind. But it brings us to where we are today.
Rob has moved some of our stuff and our animals to our new temporary home. I don’t know what the future is with my job as my plan to support remotely the whole time wasn’t accepted. I don’t know what school Mackenzie will be attending because we are still waiting on information. I don’t even know how long this will be because we have the house for two years now and since my job is undecided, I feel open to staying longer.
Bottom line today as I write this, I really don’t know what this adventure will bring. I just know next week I get in a car with my girls, my mom and go. I am heartbroken about saying goodbye/so long to some of my best friends. I will have a breakdown without my parents 5 minutes away. But I also know for once I finally have a weight lifted off my shoulders. Today is Mackenzie’s last day at school and I am so looking forward to a fresh start for her. I am looking toward to a home in the mountains where there will be fresh air and new energy. I am looking forward to making a new community around our family, to having dinner together every night, to be able to have some freedom and not have to plan my life around those 6 days where Robs around to watch the girls, to make some new friends and find a hobby.
I know I took all this school stuff hard but it’s because it really was for me as a mom. I felt so awful for how Mackenzie could be feeling, I really don’t feel she was treated fairly, I don’t feel the school is equipped to work with students who fall outside the norm and may require some extra attention. And really, it’s not all their fault, a class of 29 kids is bullshit, I couldn’t handle 4. The school isn’t all bad, I’m sure they have a good reputation, but it just wasn’t a good fit for us.
It’s been a long 7 months and I’m so incredibly drained, plus it’s been a long two years for everyone reading this. And ultimately, I am just ready for a change. Even though it’s going to be scary and unknown (there’s no Costco, Home Sense or Bath & Body Works within 8 hours) I feel in my heart it’s just the adventure I need right now. Something for our family to do together. I want Mackenzie to grow up remembering the time she lived in the mountains, not when her mom was mean to her trying to get her up to the bar set at her school. It’s the fresh start I think we need.
I don’t know when I’ll be back for good but I know I love my parents and friends so deeply that I will be back to visit as soon as school ends. I know some of you are sad and going to miss us, know that we feel the same! But I can’t do it all on my own anymore, my girls don’t deserve it either. They deserve a mom who is happy and healthy and that’s my goal.
thirtysomethingjourney 