This has been an emotional week; it took me three days to write my letter to Mackenzie because I kept crying and needed to take breaks and let everything soak in. The day that I finally posted the letter was her first day going to day care which caused a lot of emotions for me. Due to covid, parents cannot go into the room so I had to drop her off at the door and it went so fast I wasn’t able to share my final thoughts with her. She was rushed right in and I couldn’t help her change her shoes, give her the simple reminders I wanted, tell her she had a snack in her backpack. She has always been in a day home with a small group, so it was tough not to worry about leaving her somewhere so drastically different. I cried multiple times that day, I was nervous about how she would interact with that big of a group, I was worried that she wouldn’t use her manners. She had been so excited for a week to go and make new friends and I couldn’t wait to pick her up and hear all about it and ease all my worries!
When I picked her up, she was getting ready inside and the teacher came out to tell me that the day went well, she tried playing with some kids but also would revert back to playing alone, there are some things that she needs to be reminded of that were just habits that came out of the day home and her new shoes were hard for her to put on. But also, I was warned that there may be a bit of a breakdown later just due to the day being overwhelming as there were 17 kids there. My girlfriend warned me that when school starts, I need to be prepared for the same thing. Man… when both ladies said this to me, it was like it went in one ear and out the other, I was so naïve, I was NOT mentally prepared for what they were saying. I was only in the car for 3 minutes before her sassy attitude came out. I kept asking her what was wrong to have her acting so mean when I would just ask simple questions but that would just trigger her more. By the time we got home I was so over her that she started crying because I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, she was just being horrible. So I sent her to her room so she could have time to calm down and relax and that just made her more mad to the point she started screaming and yelling, going back and forth between being mad at me and wanting me to come see her. When I went to see her, I asked if she wanted a cuddle and she said yes but kept being sassy, so away I went again. There was just no pleasing her. This went back and forth for a while, and by a while, I mean an hour. Once dinner was ready I thought that might calm her down but sitting at the table she was mad whenever I talked to her, got mad when the dog would look at her, that finally I just told her she could go back upstairs. Instead she got up from the table and grabbed her Anna and Elsa dolls and just started playing. Completely snapped out of it and it was like it never happened. She started talking to me nicely while she enjoyed playing with her toys and it was like the whole last hour was another lifetime. We still had some issues with attitude the rest of the night but no more tears or screaming at least and she ended up sleeping all night without any wake ups, which is rare these days, so she was definitely feeling the change of routine.
The next day was her first time at kindergarten. It was only a two-hour introduction class but again, the water works for mommy. I wasn’t sure how she was going to do with being left there, how she would feel about a rushed entrance before mommy had to take off, how she would handle the mask or changing of shoes. I only got 5 minutes with her before I had to leave so I quickly helped put her shoes on, got her bag emptied out into her bucket and said goodbye. We went out for lunch with my parents and the whole time I was worrying about her, worrying that she’s going to have issues with her stupid shoes, etc. Well sure enough, when we went to pick her up each child was released one at a time, Mackenzie was the last and super delayed. Finally, I went to the door to see her sitting on the floor trying to get her shoes on. The teacher explained to me they are trying to work on her independence skills because there are going to be 27 kids in the class so if she can’t get her shoes on she will be delayed going out to play. My heart hurt, just help her with her shoe’s lady. Mackenzie spent the summer putting on her own sandals and pretty shoes, but we rarely wore runners. She didn’t need indoor shoes at day home and it’s summer so she just had simple shoes, and quite frankly, when doing most parenting on my own I just want to get out the door as fast as I can so I can get to work. Watching my little girl be the last person out because she’s struggling to get her shoes on was so heart breaking, it was so hard to feel like I failed my daughter by not teaching her that and then I was frustrated that she wasn’t being helped. It’s the first day… help her, tell me so I can work with her. Then I was told she was also having issues with her mask and putting it on around her ears. She has never had to wear a mask more than a few minutes in a store, naturally this being forced upon any child would be hard, no? I am so pregnant and emotional it was so much to absorb. I was on the verge of tears for the rest of the day feeling bad for my girl but being mad at myself.
Looking through her homework there’s an assignment where I am supposed to help her answer some questions, but she is supposed to write her name at the top. Mackenzie can’t even copy me do an L. If I draw a straight line and ask her to copy it, she will do a circle. She didn’t attend preschool, she has no interest in doing schoolwork when she’s not in school, she struggles with her alphabet and numbers because she just hasn’t been at that stage yet, and now I have to expect her to write her name. She has a long name! So here we are again, mad at myself for not pushing her enough.
Fortunately we had no crying meltdowns after school from her side but still had the sassy attitude so I can tell she is still overwhelmed by all the change that’s occurring in her life.
This morning was her second day of day care, so we started our routine like we did the other day. Being in day care requires me to feed her breakfast asap which is something she is not used to at all so that was a bit of a trigger point off the hop. Then we head to get ready for the day which is basically a back and forth between me trying to get her ready in her room while trying to get myself ready at the same time in my room, so a lot of rushing back and forth. Add in the dog needing to go out, or removing things from his mouth because she left a door open, basically extra running around and a lot of stairs. This is frustrating every single day, not just when she’s in a mood. It felt like everything I asked her to do was a problem. Asked her to finish making her already half-made bed, she instead ripped the blankets and sheet off. Asked her to get her clothes on, she sits on the ground telling me to do it. Asked her to stop being sassy, she gets sassier. Finally, I hit my wall and went to my room and said I needed a time out. Obviously, she did the opposite of letting me have a time out and followed me and I just ended up sitting in my chair and started to cry. Cried about her being mean, cried about how hard things can be sometimes, cried about all that has happened this week between her meltdowns and feeling like a failure parent. She came and sat on top of me and just stayed quiet. I hate crying in front of her but I try to at least explain why I am crying so she knows that her actions can hurt others and also so she knows it’s okay to cry when we are upset. I tried to explain why I was upset with her being mean and she understood and started to act nice, from there we didn’t have anymore issues with her attitude. We went downstairs and she practiced putting her shoes on for me, the first one took a bit but the second one she got on much quicker, zipping up the jacket is going to take a while though but we are trying. I’ll take the small wins for now.
Why am I telling you all this? Mostly because I know there are parents that read this blog and have hit their wall, feel like their kid is the only one that acts out, feel like they are a failure in one way or another. I’m sharing this so that you know you are not the only one. This whole community of parents around you, that you may not be aware of, we are here, and we feel how you feel sometimes. Our kids are probably more similar than you know. I post nice pictures of my daughter but doesn’t mean she is always nice. She pushes boundaries regularly and I do all the things, I ask nicely, I try being calm, I then blow up, I swear, she’ll get yelled at to go to her room, sometimes I burst into tears. My kid is one of those kids that doesn’t respond well when you ask quietly and calmly, when you feed her options so that she makes the right decision. She responds when you get worked up, even if her response back is yelling or tears, she knows that she went too far. So, she is far from perfect, I am far from perfect, I think I’m a shitty parent often so I am being honest in case sometimes you do too.
And if you do, I’ll be the first to say to you today you aren’t, and you are not alone. Reach out to the community around you, reach out to ME, I will be on your side and tell you similar stories to make you feel better about your bubble. I promise! Just one foot in front of the other for me sometimes is all I can do to feel like I am surviving or making progress.
It’s been a week of emotions, both high and low, and I know there’s only more to come as we continue to adjust. Stay tuned!
thirtysomethingjourney 