Dear Daughter

I have so many thoughts this week I don’t even know where to start so I thought I would just get them all out and try to sort through them.

Excitement – I am so excited for you little girl. I am excited that you are ready to take this big step and start kindergarten. That you are going to meet so many people and start your friendships. Excited to see you come home and tell me what you learned and show me what you made. I am excited just to see your enthusiasm when new things happen, when you pick out your clothes and when we talk about your day.

Fear – Mommy is so afraid. It’s possible for me to be excited but also scared at the same time. As much as I want to see these great things happen for you, I am also consumed with thoughts of how this will go. How will my little girl ride a bus? Will you be bold enough to ask a question when you don’t understand? Brave enough to ask to go to the bathroom? I know you don’t like going to public bathrooms because they are loud and scary, will you be okay in the school bathroom? Will that first loose tooth still be wiggling and bothering you on the first day like it has been the last few days? Mommy can’t handle teeth, I hope it magically falls out into someone else’s hand so we can both move on.

Anxiety – Am I going to have everything ready for you? Will I pack up enough lunch for you? Will you understand which is snack and which is lunch so you aren’t hungry later? Do you know how much sleep I am losing thinking about you going on this bus? You’re only 5 years old, how are you going to sit there for half hour by yourself without mommy to help you? What are you going to wear the first day of school? Which shoes will we use as your indoor shoes? I bought 4. How will you act on the playground, will you feel pressured to climb things you aren’t ready for? Mommy is an overthinker, this hasn’t been good.

I am so proud of the girl you are becoming. You are kind, compassionate, logical, and extremely funny. You are also stubborn, assertive, and independent. We have our moments, you have days where you’re mean and sassy, I have days where I am impatient and can’t control my temper. Is that how you will remember me when you go to school? Or will you remember when we cuddle, when we have movie nights on Friday, when we play with peoples at the counter or our routine before bed? Will you remember our good times at the park, when we play hair styles the other day, when I surprise you with trips?

I pray every night for you to be kind and nice. I want you to make good friends and use your manners when talking to people. I don’t want you to be a victim of bullying or meanness, but even more I don’t want you to become a bully. I want you to stand up for yourself and for others. I want you to see someone who is hurting and ask if they are okay. I want you to help those that are in need or offer someone a hug.

This is a big move for both of us. You are taking your first steps into real independence, where you get to learn about the world outside our family bubble. You get to start to develop into the person you are going to be, learn what you love to do, learn what your strengths are. Mommy is so excited for you but it’s also so hard. I lose sleep at night thinking about it, I lose hours of my workday calculating over everything that I need to know before you take these steps so that I can prepare you. I worry about what time we need to get up so we can get you out the door. I worry about how long it’ll take us to get those shoes on so we can make it in time for the bus. I worry about how you will feel when you get to school and if you will politely listen to what you are being told as the teachers get you in the door. I worry how you are going to react to having to wear a mask all day, you have never needed to before. You can be a bit stubborn when you don’t like something, guess what, I even worry that’s my fault.

Mommy loves you so much and I am not ready for you to go to school while at the same time my heart beats faster thinking about how excited I am. I think I’m just not ready to let you go. I’m not ready to feel that I am not your world anymore, that I won’t be your number 1, that you are going to develop and be influenced in ways that are beyond my control. I want to protect you always, protect you from what can hurt you, protect you from what may not be the truth, protect you from any sadness. I spend so much time thinking about how to protect you from hurt. There have been days when you have cried to me because someone was mean to you at day home. Will people be mean to you at school? Will you quickly make new best friends? You’re used to playing alone, will someone recognize that and offer to play with you? The hurt I feel when seeing you hurt is like nothing I ever imagined. I know these are things that all children will go through in their lifetime, but I would do anything to protect you from pain. I know many people will say these moments will make you stronger, but right now I think you’re too young to experience unkindness. You’re 5 years old, you’re innocent, you deserve to live in a world of joy, happiness, and laughter for as long as possible.

I hope when you come home that first day you are so overjoyed by your day that I can stop worrying. I hope you tell me you had the best day, that you loved your teacher and that you made some friends. I hope that you are driven by the learnings you will be taught and that you will be excited to share with me that you have learned.  

As your parents it’s hard not to wonder if we have done enough for you up to this point. Have we shown you enough of a foundation for you to start your studies? Have we failed getting you up to speed? Have we taught you enough about manners and respect? Just know we tried our best for you, and we won’t stop trying.

Tonight, I will barely sleep knowing that tomorrow will be your first experience going to school, although you’re only going for your staggered entrance day of 2 hours, I know it’s just the first step and that next week will be even harder. I will think of you in your room and will resist the urge to sneak in and cuddle you and will instead think of you all night. I will think about how you look softly sleeping, how I want to cuddle your back and run my hands across your forehead and hair. I will have to fight that desire to have another sleepover because I know you need your sleep to get ready for your big day. I also know you will wake up multiple times tonight because you will be so excited, just like you did last night. We will be starting a new routine and I need you to be well rested, even if I won’t be. I know our bedtime routine will last a little bit longer because I won’t want to let go of you, I won’t want to walk out of your room knowing that tomorrow things will be different. Your daddy will need to be ready to comfort me as soon as I cross that hallway into our room. He will feel the same feelings as me, but he will reassure me that everything will be fine. I know they will be, but it won’t stop me from crying about my little girl getting older, about all the questions and fears that have crossed my mind, about how it feels like I am losing something so special. You are my world and have been since the day you entered it and it’s so hard to let you go out on your own.

I know this is your time to spread your wings and start this journey and I know as a parent we are never truly ready. One day you will know how this feels too. When you are a parent you will lose sleep thinking about your baby growing up. You will cry randomly knowing that there will come a time when you have to watch your little one go out in the world.

I pray that you have all that you need to start this path, that you know I am always here for you and we can continue forming a deeper connection as you grow and that you will always know the difference between right and wrong and have God on your side to protect you when I can’t.

You made me into a mother, and it’s been a long 5 years but these last couple weeks have gone by so fast I feel like I’m barely able to blink. Although I will struggle with this change, I am also so excited for you and so proud of you. I can’t wait to see you after school.

You are my princess, my best friend, and my baby.

Spread your wings, my girl. Mommy loves you.