Downplay

I’m sure most people that have stumbled upon this blog came here through my social media and know that we are now expecting again. It’s an unusual time, it feels a bit surreal in some ways, there’s been times I just want to shout it out while there’s been times where I don’t want anyone to know. I ended up keeping my circle very tight up to this point because I wanted us to hit that ‘safe zone’ of the second trimester, even though that’s silly because miscarriage and loss can hit you at any stage of your pregnancy.

At one point I actually told myself “I’m going to tell everyone now, I don’t care” because I thought IF I lose this baby, I don’t want to grieve by myself, I don’t want to keep it inside like something to be ashamed of, I want a circle of support. But I ended up not doing it because there is this well-known pregnancy “rule” that you should wait until you’re 12 weeks and for some reason I decided to follow it even though it bothered me to do so.

Why do we do that? Because we don’t want people to be uncomfortable if we have a loss and decide to share it? Because we downplay our loss saying I was “only” blank weeks and try to act like it wasn’t a big deal? Because society still hasn’t normalized pregnancy loss and make it something people are uncomfortable with?

I really don’t know the reason why I didn’t announce it sooner, I don’t know if it was for my sake or everyone else’s, but now I’m at 4 months and I’ve still been insecure about people knowing. Luckily keeping this a quiet secret hasn’t been too hard considering I work from home and have very little physical contact with friends these days, but it still felt like I was being sneaky and I didn’t like that feeling.

I’m not sure if this is normal for someone who experienced a miscarriage, but it’s given me a lot of thoughts during this time. Of course I am excited that we are expecting another baby in December but every turn I find I am worrying which I didn’t do with Mackenzie. This pregnancy has been very little morning sickness so I go to every ultrasound holding my breath, my doctor has even sent me for some extra ultrasounds to make sure everything is still ok which was even concerning to me and put doubts in my mind. As women, if we feel no symptoms, we think it means no baby. The only thing I have going for me is this substantial weight gain, that’s how I feel I am still in the game!!

I spoke to a stranger this week that thought she was experiencing a miscarriage and was waiting to get into an emergency ultrasound. She was in fear and asking on a facebook page how she would know if it was one and so many people wrote in the comments expressing their sympathy. I reached out to her privately and I just shared with her my love and support if needed. She thanked me and in her first message she said she was “only 8 weeks and 4 days”. As soon as I saw that “only” I felt I needed to jump in. I explained to her it doesn’t matter how far along you are in a pregnancy, as soon as you see that pregnancy test your heart is all in. You’re planning, your family is planning ahead, you are fast forwarding to the end and what it will be like. I know that some losses are significantly harder, like having to deliver your baby adds a whole new level of heartache, but I find it so sad that we downplay our own hurt because we are comparing ourselves to others. I need to be clear here, I STILL DO THIS. And I get pissed off at myself after I do it, but yet I can’t stop.

This week I told someone at work I was pregnant and he asked how far along I was when I miscarried last time. He made a comment that ‘at least you weren’t like 20 weeks’. I know he meant well and was trying to be kind, maybe because he wasn’t sure how to respond and he felt that was comforting, but it still stung a bit because it also feels like a downplay.  

The fact is, a loss is a loss and no one can tell us one loss is deeper than another. We feel how we feel, we love how we love, and heartache can’t be measured by time. It’s no different than a relationship. People often frown on others who get married too quickly, love can’t be measured by time either. People can get married after knowing each other for three months and live 60 years together. Others can get married after a decade together and get divorced after 2 years. There is no rule that needs to be followed when it comes to relationships. We can fall deeply in love with a stranger, a best friend or a baby overnight, and when that happens that’s our business, not anyone else’s. Once our heart is all in, we are committed and that means when we experience a loss, we will experience it as deeply as we need to be able to process it and be able to take it one day at a time.

There is no rule book, there is no way of knowing how to really feel at the time, but I wish we all knew that there isn’t anything to be ashamed of. Most miscarriages are random and there is nothing that could have been done to prevent it. When I needed help on what to tell Mackenzie after our loss, my girlfriend told me to tell her that God wasn’t ready to let that baby go yet so He kept the baby with Him. I know that was to comfort my daughter, but I really took it to heart and feel it’s true, it’s just not time for some babies to come to this earth so God will take care of them for us.

Although I got pregnant in March, I still remember the week our last baby was due. It was late April and I remember feeling so sad thinking “I would have been having a baby this week”, even though I was pregnant again. When I miscarried, I downplayed, I tried to act like it was no big deal, I had a girlfriend reach out to me to try to connect me with a support group and I thought I didn’t need it because I didn’t experience a loss like some of them, I think I really tried to act tough to get through it. And while it may have worked to a point, I still think about that baby, I still talk to Mackenzie about that baby, so that baby is a part of our life and always will be.

I hope anyone reading this leaves here understanding that conversations around miscarriage should never include the word “only”. We don’t know people’s stories or the journey they’ve been on. We don’t know how long that couple has been trying for a baby. We don’t know if that baby was created with the help of IVF. We don’t know if that was mama’s last chance to try. A lot of things in life can be measured, but love, pain, loss, heartache, shouldn’t be. We are all different. We are all entitled to feel what we feel and not be compared or measured against others.  

While I was preparing this blog I stopped and asked myself ‘should I even post this?’ and then a sweet lady that I met a lifetime ago reached out to me to congratulate me on the news of our upcoming arrival and shared a story with me. She said that while I was going through the miscarriage, her own daughter was going through the same thing, although our paths were a bit different. She mentioned that she shared my blog with her daughter and when her daughter was ready, she read my words and cried. I don’t know what exactly brought on the tears, reliving her own experience, hearing she wasn’t alone, coming along for my journey, but the fact that she took the time to read a complete strangers thoughts was so special to me, I felt so honoured that she did and that she connected to them. To be able to share my experience with someone and them to know they aren’t alone with how they feel, they aren’t alone with how they are thinking, that is what I always want to bring to my blog posts. I want people to know that I’m real, that sometimes we agree and sometimes we don’t, sometimes our experiences may be similar and sometimes it’s a learning opportunity because they are so different, but I want people to know that wherever they are at on their journey that they aren’t alone and there are sometimes people in their own backyard or across the country that may have something similar going on in their lives.

We are not alone. You are not alone. Thank you all for tuning into this post and any others that you may choose to read. You doing this brings so much joy to my heart.